Why Words Hurt

August 21, 2018


Your child goes to school everyday and everyday they are being called names.  It's breaking your heart and crushing their self-esteem.


There are two things you as a parent can do to help your child. 


  1. Become a bit of a detective and discover what it is your child believes to be true or might be true about themselves. 


  1. Challenge those beliefs and help them shift their mindset to see other possibilities.



I was an adult before I every had the opportunity to discover that the reason I had felt so unworthy, the reason peoples words hurt was because somewhere along the lines of my childhood I subconsciously decided to believe what was being said about me.  I was literally held back for over 30 years of my life because of the hurtful 'words' that were said to me as a child, that no one helped me look at and challenge.  Now in my parents defense, I don't know that these types of programs and information were so readily available. We are fortune that the Internet makes programs like mine readily available regardless of your address!



Did you realize, your child can only be hurt by words, if they believe what the bullies are saying is true or might be true? 



Take a minute to think about that.  Consider yourself when reading these next two paragraphs. If you believe yourself to be good at something and someone says something negative about it, you'd likely shrug your shoulders and think well I like it so I'm not to worried about what they think or you would let it pass in some other way. Because you are that sure of yourself and the fact that you believe yourself to be good at it. It would not cause you stress, lower your self-esteem or crush you.



Now let's reverse this, if you believe you aren't good at something or have doubts about your ability and someone says something negative about it, you are likely crushed, humiliated and don't want to do it anymore. I am talking in extremes here, but we are talking about youth and they usually think in extremes, but you get the point. 



It only hurts, IF YOU BELIEVE IT IS OR MIGHT BE TRUE! There in lies the bullies power!!! If it's bothering your child to the point of a massive reaction or into complete submissiveness than the child doing bullying behaviours knows they can hurt your child and unfortunately this is their objective.



So if the bullying is ever going to stop, beyond you making it stop via the school, which proves difficult over and over again, then you need to figure out what it is  your child believes! Challenge those beliefs, guide them to other possibilities  Please note I said GUIDE them, you can say "you're not a loser" all day long, they need to come to this realize on their own because your words are meaningless unless they believe it.



I will give you an example, one of my clients was continually getting bullied in the hall by the older high school students. He would immediately react, creating a scene that would often land him in the principals office, where he was told to avoid those particular halls, at those particular times. His parents were actually called once because he dared enter the same space as the bully, thereby his mere presence was 'provoking' this student into bullying. Let's not get into how backwards that is, but rather focus on the solution the youth came up with.  I say he, because again it is the youth that needs to find the answers if they are going to have the confidence to follow through with the plan. After doing some believe work, challenging those beliefs and shifting his perspective, he came up with the below solution and it worked!



He decided no one was going to prevent him from walk